Marriage: Good or Bad?

Dear Karlie,
I'm 32 and just got asked to be married by the love of my life! I am super excited about this big step into adulthood and the rest of our lives. But I can't lie, as much as I can't wait to be married, I think I may be getting cold feet the closer the date to our wedding comes. I can't stop myself from thinking about my parents marriage and how it ended in disaster. The memories of how much it affected me and my two younger brothers during the split and divorce process are stuck in my brain and are causing concern. Then there's also my best friend. She got married at a young age to her high school sweetheart but that marriage wasn't what you would call a happy ending either as it only lasted about a year and took her another year after the matter to get back on her feet. I just feel like although I love him deeply and with my whole heart, there are so many risks involved with marriage. Kind of like when they advertise a special drug on television, they make it look life changing and worthwhile but then there's hundreds of risks on the side which they speed through. I don't want to get caught up in everything and never have considered what possible negative outcomes could occur. Could you please just provide me with some solid information of the whole topic of marriage and maybe discuss some risks so I can increase my awareness and be able to make the right decision in the end?

Sincerely,
Double-Minded Diva.


Dear Double-Minded Diva,
            First of all, I would like to say that it is a good sign that you are already aware of the likeliness of disagreement and conflict that comes attached with getting married and sharing your life with another person. This proves that you truly care about your fiancé and are seeking the best outcome for your relationship. Marriage is a major part of an individuals entrance into adulthood and the realities of life. When two people join together in a bond, they are expected to be united together for the rest of their lives. However, many problems can occur within a marriage which can cause a marriage to end in divorce.  You have to ask yourself, why are you getting married? There are various reasons why people get married which includes biological reasons, social reasons, personal reasons and psychological reasons. When you desire to get married due to biological reasons its because you love your significant other and you want to commit to them so you can raise a family with that person. Getting married for social reasons looks at a broader picture. Its not just your circle you are focusing on but societies too. You will marry to reproduce and do your part in society, for socialization aspects and to be a part of the division of labour. This could be linked with functionalism which is a sociological theory that explains how a society is organized to function a certain way or "properly". People also marry generally because of personal and psychological reasons. Not only could they want to maintain a good social status, they also could have an inner desire to become married.  There are usually three stages which commonly occur in marriage. The first stage is where the relationship is very intimate, romantic, and respectful. During this stage a couple is usually focused on the exploration of each other and ideas of the 'ideal' partner often occur frequently. You are just adjusting to each other during this stage and there is rarely any problems. It is during the second stage where conflict arises. Individuals become more demanding and struggle to maintain individual identity. This will usually result in a lack of stability and both individuals will be required to change their behaviour. Couples usually feel disappointed and let down at this stage because the relationship is less rewarding than it used to be. The third stage is when the conflict finally gets worked out and compromise comes into the picture. Couples will learn how to negotiate in their relationship to make sure their needs are met. This is where the relationship becomes more realistic and stable.
           More and more marriages are ending in divorce each year. Various statistics show that divorce rates are skyrocketing. The topic of divorce is very common in society today and usually leads many newly weds or engaged individuals to question their relationships and wonder if theirs will make it. The reality of it is, as years pass, peoples personalities change, financial issues occur, people begin to age, and the passion that was once so vibrant in the relationship is lost. Sadly, these aren't the only things that could hold back a marriage from succeeding. In fact, listed below are five more possible risk factors in marriage. Take a look! Do any of these apply to you?

1. Age: If younger, individual is still developing and may have different goals. If there is a significant age difference, there can be a lack of equity with the generational gap and there will be a difference in values and expectations.

2.Degree of Homagomy: Having similar values, beliefs, and traditions will cause less confliction and fights during your marriage which will lead to a greater chance of success. Also reduces social pressure.

3.Success of your own parents marriage: I know this will be hard to hear but the better your parents marriage was, the better your's will turn out to be. This is due to the example they set forth for you. They could model how to handle conflict and achieving family expectations. However, you could learn from your parents mistakes of what they did not do right and fix them when it is your turn to deal with those situations during your marriage as well.

4.Cohabitation: This may come as a shock to you but living together as a couple before you are married actually increases your risk at a unsuccessful marriage. This speaks to the couples level of commitment and statistically it is proven that couples are better off living together after marriage.

5. Parental acceptance of spouse: If parents approve of your spouse, you're marriage will have a greater chance at success due to levels of support and acceptance. There will be much less confrontation within the family if parents agree with your decision of marriage and allow your significant other to join the family.

In conclusion, there are many risks that come with being married. But there are many risks in everything you do. Thats just life. There are good things in life, and there are bad things in life but a majority of the time, you have to work through the bad things before you get to the good things. Marriage isnt easy, but if you take the time to work through it, I believe it can last.

Sincerely,
Karlie.