Dear Karlie,
My girlfriend called me insensitive today. She said that I don't know or understand what love is. I wouldn't admit it to her but she's right, I don't. I know its a emotion, but I can't grasp the gist of romantic love, or intimate love. I'm not really a romantic kind of guy, but I'm willing to change for her if I need to. Can you explain to me all you know about love? I want to learn. Thanks!
Sincerely,
Longing for Love.
Dear Longing for Love,
You aren't the only one who feels this way. Many people know what love is but have a hard time understanding how and why it happens. Its not easy! So what is love? Love is a basic human emotion which involves a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. How does this differ from romantic love? Well, romantic love is an innate motivation or desire for love and commitment. For example, if a person has all the qualities and attributes you are looking for in a spouse, but you will not marry them because you don't love them, this is a case of romantic love. Romantic love connects standard love with the general idea of romance. A Psychologist named Robert Sternberg tried to distinguish between romantic love and friendship by interviewing hundreds of men and women who claimed to be in love. From his study, he proposed a triangular theory suggesting that there are three components to love which are intimacy, passion, and commitment. According to Sternberg, different combinations of these three components result in different kinds of love. For example, intimacy and passion would result in romantic love. Relationships that were built on two or more elements are more likely to last than those based upon one component such as intimacy alone. Sternberg calls a combination of intimacy, passion, and commitment, Consummate Love. This kind of love is claimed to be the strongest type of love and it is supporsively rare to find.
To give another perspective, a social psychologist named Zick Rubin came up with the liking vs. loving theory. He also proposed that romantic love is made up of three elements which are attachment, caring, and intimacy. Attachment is the need to feel apart of the other persons life and they require care, approval and physical contact. Caring involves valuing the other persons needs and happiness. Lastly, intimacy refers to sharing desires, feelings, and thoughts with the other person. During his study, involving his famous scales, he came up with a questionnaire for people to fill out based on how they felt about their best friends and their partners. The result was that good friends scored high on the liking scale, and only the peoples significant others scored high on the love scale. This shows that the emotional feeling you feel towards a good friend is different from the emotional feeling you feel towards your partner. Both psychologists have similar views as to what romantic love is and both view points involve intimacy as one of the most important aspects to focus on within a relationship. The importance of maintaining a sense of closeness, connection and emotional bond is very important in a loving relationship.
Lastly, there are many different kinds of love to take into account. Here are a few.
Altruistic: You are kind, caring, and sensitive of the other persons needs.
Compassionate: You contain a strong friendship and solid communication.
Pragmatic: You see both your partners flaws and perks.
Egocentric: You want to be in the relationship based off of what you need from it.
Manic: You are very dependant on the person you are in love with.
Romantic: You love to be in love.
Each one of these kinds of loves are very different and apply to certain individuals based on their character traits and biological nature.
I hope this helps broaden your understanding of many different forms of love and allows you to delve deeper into the topic of love instead of just floating on the surface. Now go impress your girlfriend!!
Sincerely,
Karlie.
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