Welcome!

Dear Love Bugs,
Welcome to The Love Triangle.  This is a blog where I will answer any questions or write posts about the topic of love and everything involved with the emotion. From attraction, to dating, to marriage. This blog is open to all age groups so feel free to ask anything that is on your mind!

Sincerely,
Karlie.

Chemical Love

Dear Karlie,
What is chemical love? Do chemicals effect a relationships chances of success?

Sincerely,
ANON.


Dear ANON,
When two people announce that they have chemistry, its not just a figure of speech, its true! Many chemicals are involved in feeling the emotion of love. These chemicals are known as dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, and estrogen. Dr. Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist who looked at how our body reacts to these four chemicals. Using biology, Fisher linked choices of mate selection to these four neural systems. These systems are regularly connected to our personality traits. She determined that we are divided between four personality types such as builders, negotiators, explorers, and directors. If you have a higher level of serotonin, you are a builder. Builders are socially oriented people who focus on the social aspects in life. Directors are filled with testosterone. These people are strategic learners who are constantly analyzing things and are emotionally contained. A high percentage of estrogen in your system could mean you are a negotiator. Negotiators are very passionate, imaginative people who are always thinking outside the box. Last but not least, explorers contain a high level of dopamine. These people are very untraditional, risky, and love a thrill. So which chemical is best paired up with which? The most successful chemical matches are those of both individuals containing serotonin or a mix of estrogen and testosterone. The couple where both individuals have high levels of serotonin in there system is the builder to builder couple. These couples get a double dose of socialization creating a wide social network. Builders are traditional and due to characteristic traits such as being loyal, patient, and persistent, a builder to builder relationship is built on solid ground and is very stable. The director and negotiator match are consists of two complete opposites. With one chemical being estrogen and the other being testosterone, you're probably thinking, how would that ever work? Actually despite the differences, directors and negotiators have important things in common. They both think constantly and like to discuss their thoughts. They can bounce off each other and learn from each others traits. Other chemical matches can work out as well but studies have proven that the builder to builder match and the director to negotiator match usually have the most success. It is important to remember the biological and physiological factors that contribute to the success of a relationship.

Sincerely,
Karlie.

Understanding Attraction.

Dear Karlie,
I'm having trouble. I've been searching for a person to spend the rest of my life with for years and nothing is working. There seems to be too many options and I cant make up my mind. How can I increase my awareness of who I'm attracted to and what kinds of things I look for in a spouse? I figure if I have a strong knowledge of what I want, I can go out and specifically look for it. Then I can find the love of my life faster!

Sincerely,
Troubled Tammy.


Dear Troubled Tammy,
The answer is within yourself. Only you can truly know who and what you are attracted to. You have to personally look inside yourself and take the time to think about what attributes or characteristics you want your future spouse to acquire. Although I cant tell you what you should look for, I can provide you with some back up information which could benefit you while you take the time to ponder about your desires and wants in a person. As stated in Byme's Law of Attraction, Byme's believes that people are attracted to individuals who have positive attitudes and reinforcement. This means that if a person has the ability to project positivity onto you, you will be more easily attracted to that person. To back this law up with a short example, I think we've all heard member's of couples say "I love them because they make me smile and laugh"plenty of times in our lives. People also tend to be attracted to people based on familiarity. Many people tend to go for the same types of partners throughout their lives in terms of both physical attributes and personality traits. Research shows that the preferences we have stem from our parents. Many people tend to desire traits and attributes similar to that of their parents. According to Dr. Mark Sergeant, a psychology lecturer at Trent University, there is an evolutionary reason for this. When people decide to have children, they want to create a child with a certain individual who has genes which are safe and successful. The sense of awareness and similarity leaves people at ease and feeling more comfortabe. Speaking of similarity, social homogamy is the theory based on the idea that "like attracts like." It states that people tend to choose a partner who is more alike than different from themselves. This includes similar interests, cultures, religions, age groups and role expectations. However, if you and your partner are too similar, this can cause a lacking in complimentary needs. This could be a problem because naturally people tend to long for a partner who will fill up the holes they are missing within themselves. This way, a pair can help resolve each others weaknesses. Without a fulfillment of complimentary needs, these holes remain open and the flaws remain unfixed.

So why are we attracted to some people and not others? We like to think that as individuals, we have the freedom of choice as to who we choose as a partner. As the ideal mate theory states, most people do have a preconceived image of what their ideal partner should be like. However, the harsh realities of society place many limitations on our choices. Theories such as the propinquity theory could be used as an example of a limitation in terms of location. The propinquity theory focuses on the idea that people are more likely to meet and know people who are physically nearby. People will generally meet within the same locations which makes maintaining the relationship easier. Long-distance relationships are difficult to keep going. They require a lot of commitment and often lack passion. Although, with global travel and advances in technology, these relationships are becoming easier to sustain.

I hope this helps you to understand the patterns of attraction and how it works.

Sincerely,
Karlie.

Courtship, Dating, and It's Evolution.

Dear Karlie,
I went out on my first date last night with a guy that I met on the social dating site, Tinder.  When I asked him what he was looking for in the relationship, he told me he was looking for something slow,  and a relationship that would develop over time. Shortly after this he started to proclaim that he would like to not date me but court me. I don't really understand what this means and I need help understanding it. Could you please explain to me the difference between Courtship and Dating?

Sincerely,
Confused.


Dear Confused,
Courtship and dating are two completely different ways to peruse a relationship and they easily get mixed up and misunderstood. Courtship is a more traditional way of seeking a future spouse and generally refers to mate selection leading to a long-term partnership. It encourages love to develop over time by the standard progressions of a romantic relationship. To understand how courtship works, you must be aware of the four main stages of courtship such as rapport, self-revelation, mutual dependency, and intimacy. The first stage is to become rapport with one another and to feel completely comfortable and at ease with one another. The second stage is to bring personal information to the table and reveal it to their future partner. This self-revelation helps to build trust within the couple. The third stage is when each partner begins to rely on the other, also known as mutual dependency. The fourth stage, intimacy and fulfilment, gives each person the chance to decide if the relationship fits his or her needs. Each one of these stages serves as a filter because it gives a women an opportunity to remove a potential suitor as she learns more about him throughout the stages. Dating is a much more casual way of becoming involved in a relationship with someone. Dating allows two people to be in a long-term and intimate relationship without the expectation of permanent commitment to that one individual. This ties into a theory known as the social exchange theory which states that people become involved with something based off of the outcome of the situation. What they can get out of it based on what they're putting into it. In conclusion, A courting couple intends for the relationship to be long-term and permanent and the main goal is to end in marriage. A couple who is dating may not have any specific expectations for their relationship. They don't necessarily see engagement or marriage as a possibility for the future but are willing to see where the relationship takes them.

Sincerely,
Karlie.


Dear Karlie,
Thanks for the response! It really cleared things up for me. However, I have one more question. While I was waiting for your advice, I was talking to a friend about the whole situation. She said that courting is something they used more commonly in past centuries but that it has faded out over the years and now dating is way more common. Is this true? And if it is, do you have any ideas as to why and how this happened?

Sincerely,
Still A Bit Confused.


Dear Still A Bit Confused,
One thing to always keep in mind is that humanity is always changing, moving, and adjusting. Courtship occurred for many years in the past and was looked at as more of a necessity than a luxury. It wasn't until around the 20th century that the concept of dating came into the picture and people were released from the traditional limitations of courtship. The history of courtship and dating has evolved over the years due to the changing roles of men and women in society as well as different traditions, and the rise of technology. At first, men were looked at as the superior in a household, therefor they would try to woo women into marriage through many practices of courtship. This would set down many boundaries for women. But as feminist groups formed over the years and many feminist victories took place, women began to have more of a say in their relationships and gained partnership equality which killed some courting techniques. Also, as time passes, it is becoming rare for young couples to actually go out on a formal date to get dinner and there has been more cases of couples just casually hanging out. This is known as a "non-date" and is another reason as to why courtship is dying and dating is become more prominent. Of course, advances in technology is another aspect of why courtship is being practiced less and less. As technology improves, texting, emailing and socializing over social media sites becomes more and more socially normal. This provides many people with the opportunity to communicate with their significant others in a more casual, laid-back manner without any specific label.  So your friend is in fact correct. Courtship is fading out, and dating is taking its place.

Sincerely,
Karlie.

Love Bug?: Theories Of Love & Intimate Relationships.

Dear Karlie,

My girlfriend called me insensitive today. She said that I don't know or understand what love is. I wouldn't admit it to her but she's right, I don't. I know its a emotion, but I can't grasp the gist of romantic love, or intimate love. I'm not really a romantic kind of guy, but I'm willing to change for her if I need to. Can you explain to me all you know about love? I want to learn. Thanks!

Sincerely,

Longing for Love.

Dear Longing for Love,

You aren't the only one who feels this way. Many people know what love is but have a hard time understanding how and why it happens. Its not easy! So what is love? Love is a basic human emotion which involves a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. How does this differ from romantic love? Well, romantic love is an innate motivation or desire for love and commitment. For example, if a person has all the qualities and attributes you are looking for in a spouse, but you will not marry them because you don't love them, this is a case of romantic love. Romantic love connects standard love with the general idea of romance. A Psychologist named Robert Sternberg tried to distinguish between romantic love and friendship by interviewing hundreds of men and women who claimed to be in love. From his study, he proposed a triangular theory suggesting that there are three components to love which are intimacy, passion, and commitment. According to Sternberg, different combinations of these three components result in different kinds of love. For example, intimacy and passion would result in romantic love. Relationships that were built on two or more elements are more likely to last than those based upon one component such as intimacy alone. Sternberg calls a combination of intimacy, passion, and commitment, Consummate Love. This kind of love is claimed to be the strongest type of love and it is supporsively rare to find. 

To give another perspective, a social psychologist named Zick Rubin came up with the liking vs. loving theory. He also proposed that romantic love is made up of three elements which are attachment, caring, and intimacy. Attachment is the need to feel apart of the other persons life and they require care, approval and physical contact. Caring involves valuing the other persons needs and happiness. Lastly, intimacy refers to sharing desires, feelings, and thoughts with the other person. During his study, involving his famous scales, he came up with a questionnaire for people to fill out based on how they felt about their best friends and their partners. The result was that good friends scored high on the liking scale, and only the peoples significant others scored high on the love scale. This shows that the emotional feeling you feel towards a good friend is different from the emotional feeling you feel towards your partner. Both psychologists have similar views as to what romantic love is and both view points involve intimacy as one of the most important aspects to focus on within a relationship. The importance of maintaining a sense of closeness, connection and emotional bond is very important in a loving relationship. 

Lastly, there are many different kinds of love to take into account. Here are a few.

Altruistic: You are kind, caring, and sensitive of the other persons needs.

Compassionate: You contain a strong friendship and solid communication.

Pragmatic: You see both your partners flaws and perks.

Egocentric: You want to be in the relationship based off of what you need from it.

Manic: You are very dependant on the person you are in love with.

Romantic: You love to be in love.

Each one of these kinds of loves are very different and apply to certain individuals based on their character traits and biological nature. 

I hope this helps broaden your understanding of many different forms of love and allows you to delve deeper into the topic of love instead of just floating on the surface. Now go impress your girlfriend!!

Sincerely,

Karlie.

Marriage: Good or Bad?

Dear Karlie,
I'm 32 and just got asked to be married by the love of my life! I am super excited about this big step into adulthood and the rest of our lives. But I can't lie, as much as I can't wait to be married, I think I may be getting cold feet the closer the date to our wedding comes. I can't stop myself from thinking about my parents marriage and how it ended in disaster. The memories of how much it affected me and my two younger brothers during the split and divorce process are stuck in my brain and are causing concern. Then there's also my best friend. She got married at a young age to her high school sweetheart but that marriage wasn't what you would call a happy ending either as it only lasted about a year and took her another year after the matter to get back on her feet. I just feel like although I love him deeply and with my whole heart, there are so many risks involved with marriage. Kind of like when they advertise a special drug on television, they make it look life changing and worthwhile but then there's hundreds of risks on the side which they speed through. I don't want to get caught up in everything and never have considered what possible negative outcomes could occur. Could you please just provide me with some solid information of the whole topic of marriage and maybe discuss some risks so I can increase my awareness and be able to make the right decision in the end?

Sincerely,
Double-Minded Diva.


Dear Double-Minded Diva,
            First of all, I would like to say that it is a good sign that you are already aware of the likeliness of disagreement and conflict that comes attached with getting married and sharing your life with another person. This proves that you truly care about your fiancé and are seeking the best outcome for your relationship. Marriage is a major part of an individuals entrance into adulthood and the realities of life. When two people join together in a bond, they are expected to be united together for the rest of their lives. However, many problems can occur within a marriage which can cause a marriage to end in divorce.  You have to ask yourself, why are you getting married? There are various reasons why people get married which includes biological reasons, social reasons, personal reasons and psychological reasons. When you desire to get married due to biological reasons its because you love your significant other and you want to commit to them so you can raise a family with that person. Getting married for social reasons looks at a broader picture. Its not just your circle you are focusing on but societies too. You will marry to reproduce and do your part in society, for socialization aspects and to be a part of the division of labour. This could be linked with functionalism which is a sociological theory that explains how a society is organized to function a certain way or "properly". People also marry generally because of personal and psychological reasons. Not only could they want to maintain a good social status, they also could have an inner desire to become married.  There are usually three stages which commonly occur in marriage. The first stage is where the relationship is very intimate, romantic, and respectful. During this stage a couple is usually focused on the exploration of each other and ideas of the 'ideal' partner often occur frequently. You are just adjusting to each other during this stage and there is rarely any problems. It is during the second stage where conflict arises. Individuals become more demanding and struggle to maintain individual identity. This will usually result in a lack of stability and both individuals will be required to change their behaviour. Couples usually feel disappointed and let down at this stage because the relationship is less rewarding than it used to be. The third stage is when the conflict finally gets worked out and compromise comes into the picture. Couples will learn how to negotiate in their relationship to make sure their needs are met. This is where the relationship becomes more realistic and stable.
           More and more marriages are ending in divorce each year. Various statistics show that divorce rates are skyrocketing. The topic of divorce is very common in society today and usually leads many newly weds or engaged individuals to question their relationships and wonder if theirs will make it. The reality of it is, as years pass, peoples personalities change, financial issues occur, people begin to age, and the passion that was once so vibrant in the relationship is lost. Sadly, these aren't the only things that could hold back a marriage from succeeding. In fact, listed below are five more possible risk factors in marriage. Take a look! Do any of these apply to you?

1. Age: If younger, individual is still developing and may have different goals. If there is a significant age difference, there can be a lack of equity with the generational gap and there will be a difference in values and expectations.

2.Degree of Homagomy: Having similar values, beliefs, and traditions will cause less confliction and fights during your marriage which will lead to a greater chance of success. Also reduces social pressure.

3.Success of your own parents marriage: I know this will be hard to hear but the better your parents marriage was, the better your's will turn out to be. This is due to the example they set forth for you. They could model how to handle conflict and achieving family expectations. However, you could learn from your parents mistakes of what they did not do right and fix them when it is your turn to deal with those situations during your marriage as well.

4.Cohabitation: This may come as a shock to you but living together as a couple before you are married actually increases your risk at a unsuccessful marriage. This speaks to the couples level of commitment and statistically it is proven that couples are better off living together after marriage.

5. Parental acceptance of spouse: If parents approve of your spouse, you're marriage will have a greater chance at success due to levels of support and acceptance. There will be much less confrontation within the family if parents agree with your decision of marriage and allow your significant other to join the family.

In conclusion, there are many risks that come with being married. But there are many risks in everything you do. Thats just life. There are good things in life, and there are bad things in life but a majority of the time, you have to work through the bad things before you get to the good things. Marriage isnt easy, but if you take the time to work through it, I believe it can last.

Sincerely,
Karlie.

Who's Bernard Murstein? What's a Filter Theory?

Dear Karlie,

What is Murstein's filter theory? How does it relate to mate selection?

Sincerely,

Questioner.

Dear Questioner,

Bernard Murstein came up with a sociological theory concerning dating and mate selection called the filter theory. Murstein uses the analogy of "sifting" to suggest that individuals pass their dates through a series of "filters" to cut out marriage partners believed to be unacceptable. The process of filtering narrows down individuals until there is only one acceptable partner remaining. These filters involve:

 1.Field of Eligibles- Involves possible options. Looks at who is out there within the general population.

 2.Propinquity Filter- Provides an available group to choose from. Who happens to be close to us in  proximity.

 3.Attraction Filter- Judgement based on appearance and individual characteristics.

 4.Homogamy Filter- How similar age, race, education, socio-economic class, religion are to the
 individual.

 5.Compatibility Filter- Involves attitudes, values, needs, habits, and roles. Similarities to these qualities  are judged.

 6.Trial Filter- Commitment. Tests compatibility of all previous filters.

 7.Decision Filter- Final decision is made here to see if individual is the right choice.

Sincerely,

Karlie.

21st Century Trends of Concern.

Listed below are a few 21st century trends which could come across as a concern to anyone who is entering into a relationship.

Prenuptial Agreements: A prenuptial agreement is a legally binding contract created by two people before they marry. In a prenuptial agreement, the couple addresses and agrees on the outcomes of various situations and possible issues that could occur in the future such as custody, property rights, and who owns what. These topics would be followed up should the couple divorce. Getting a prenuptial agreement means that you will be able to keep assets you have accumulated over the years. If you partner tried to take these things from you during a divorce, you would have the prenuptial agreement to back you up. Prenuptial agreements are most common in people who acquire a lot of money. It provides a security for them so that none of it will be lost or stolen during the divorce. Of course there is both pros and cons to a prenuptial agreement. A con would be that asking someone to sign prenup papers could lead to some confrontation because it shows that you don't trust your partner and are not confident about the future relationship lasting. A pro would be that it allows a couple to discuss what means the most to them and minimized secrets in the relationship. It also allows you to keep assets you worked hard for or that are important to you.

Common-Law Marriages: What is Common-Law Marriage? Common law marriage is an alternative to traditional marriage. Instead of getting a marriage license, a man and women who live together and intend to marry in the future, can become common law spouses without a license or a wedding.  Some perks of being in a common-law marriage are that they can take stress off of a couple and allows each individual to keep some individuality. You have an easy out if you decide to split up and its less complicated. However, some negatives to being apart of a common-law marriage is that you are not legally connected to that person in any way therefore there is no health benefits or legal rights of any kind.

Cohabitation: Cohabitation is when two individuals in a relationship live together prior to being married. Many people believe that cohabitation would help the success of a relationship. However, statistics show that cohabitation is actually setting your relationship up for major risk. Living together allows couples to experience each others good and bad habits and they begin to learn new things about them that they never knew before. By taking this big step to early, couples are leaving room and time for opinions to change and to experience each others bad traits. This could lead many individuals to want to back out of engagement or marriage. Therefore it is better to for a couple to wait until they are married before they live together.